A guy was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and he said, "you remind me of my little toe!" She said, "is that because I'm small and cute?" He said, "NO! because I will probably end up banging you on the coffee table!"
Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would." "If I died and you remarried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to." "What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?" "I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him."
"Would he use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed
An elderly patient gets hearing aids from a doctor. After short time, he meets the doctor again.
Doctor, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."
Patient, "Oh, I am in a funny situation now. I haven't told my family yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. In a month, I've changed my will three times!"
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married: The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT", he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted