FUNNY HILARIOUS JOKES - Page 2
A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.' Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response... 'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i didn't know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room i didn't know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMG i like totally know where you are coming from OMG, i found like these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG i didnt know she had *whispers* a penisssss"
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different!
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'
'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over to the side of the road. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde, "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around, she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned and looked at her, she had a smile on her face. So he was really starting to get mad. He went and got his knife back out and sliced up all her tires.
The blonde started laughing and the truck driver was really starting to lose it.
He went back to his truck and got a can of gas, poured it on her car, and set it on fire. He turned around and she was laughing so hard, she was about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle four times!"
A woman was worried about whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she prayed earnestly for God to allow him to speak to her.
"Hello, Margaret. This is Fred."
"Fred!" she exclaimed. "I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"
"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. I lack for nothing; all day long we just eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."
"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "I'm a buffalo in Montana."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"
A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?"
The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor".
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly.
"What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor.
"Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!"
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Shop Rite anymore either!
A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
A 75 year old lady says to her husband Sam, "You know vat, I tink I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Ya, 'tis a goot idea dahling."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years. Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says, "99."
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor.
He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99."
She says, "99."
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also. "We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99."
She says, "vun, two, three.........."
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He says, "I'm doing research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all, my husband and I put it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.
"Relax, son. She's just feeding him," his father replied.
"Goodness me!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"
There were these three guys, a Polish guy, an Italian guy, and a Jewish
guy. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday they noticed that
their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and
say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too.
The boss leaves and so did they. The Jewish guy goes home and goes to
rest so he can get an early start the next morning. The Italian guy goes
home and cooks dinner. The Polish guy goes home and walks to his
bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his
boss, so he shuts the door and leaves.
The next day the Italian and Jewish guys are talking about going home
early again. They ask the Polish guy if he wants to leave early again
and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says, "Because yesterday
I almost got caught!"
A man who suffered from impotence went to see a doctor.
The doctor gave him a revolutionary new injection made from monkey glands, which worked perfectly.
Nine months and two weeks later, his wife had a baby.
When the nurse came out of the delivery room with the news, he asked, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
"We won't know until it comes down off the chandelier."
A naked and drunken woman boards a taxi in Orlando East one night.
The driver keeps staring at the rear view mirror and does not start the taxi.
Woman: "Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: "I'm not staring at you lady....!!!! I'm just wondering where you are keeping the money to pay me"!
One day a boy came home from school and his mother asked, ''What did you do today, son?'' The boy replied, ''I learned a lot in Sex Education class.'' The mother, thinking this to be a dirty joke, yelled at him and sent him to his room. Later that day, the daughter comes home and the mother says to her, ''You'll never guess what! Your brother told me he learned a lot in Sex Education class! I sent him to his room!'' ''Mom,'' the girl said, ''he really does go to a sex education class. He wasn't lying'' The mother, feeling very bady about the mixup, goes to the boy's room to apologize. She opens the door to find him masturbating and she says, ''When you are done with your homework, come out here, we have to talk.''
A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date. When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.
The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also.
The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.
A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?"
"Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says,
"My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
An old man and an old woman were sitting at the breakfast
table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.
The old man said,"You know, 50 years ago, we were probably
sitting here buck naked."
The woman said, "Why don't we try that again?"
So they stripped and sat down at the table again.
Soon the old woman said, "Honey, my titties are as hot for
you today as they were 50 years ago."
The man replied, "Of course they are dear, one's in your
oatmeal and the others in your coffee!"
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in."
On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house one afternoon and passes a florist shop. On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her. When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her. Instead of taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says, "This is for the flowers." Paul looks at her and says, "Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
A guy and his buddy were sitting at a bar talking, when a knock-out blond walks in and struts her way past the two guys.
The one guy says, "Man I'd like to have her for a night"
His buddy says, "I had her, she was okay, but my wife is better".
A week goes by and the two guys meet up again at the bar.
The one guy says, "Hey guess what...I finally got a hold of that blond for a night".
His buddy says, "yea, how did you like her?"
The guy replies, "you were right, you're wife is better!"
There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?"
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants."
In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?" The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."
A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" he asks.
"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink."
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?"
A man was telling his neighbor in Mesa, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.’ ‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’ ‘Twelve thirty.’
McNamara walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
There were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old woman saw Joe, and mistaking him for John. Said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible"
Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat, said "Fact is, I'm sort of glad to get rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front, too. Every time I used her the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time for the weekend. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow and were willing to pay. The fools all tried to get in her at the same time and split her right down the middle."
The old woman fainted.