FUNNY HILARIOUS JOKES - Page 3
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. 'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!' 'Blow jobs!' the woman replied. 'Yes It hasn't been proven yet but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... No more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!... The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books. 'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked. The husband replied, 'If I can teach this little gem to cook...............you're gone
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." So the guy says, "Well, give me some examples." The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. Then she said, "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!" The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet. A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced, "I'll bet her behind is this wide." The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep. The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condoms -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely.
The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.
One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers,
which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches
it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE
BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T
LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He
saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you
go... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to
the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs
for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The
man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her
husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached
in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's
not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers.
He points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts
"You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!"
This time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough."
"Just one more!!" yells the old man.
So the bartender gets him one more tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can.
Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts
"You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette.
"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''
''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''
''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.
''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.
''Is it your brother?''
''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''
Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.
''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''
''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.
Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
"What dvd?" asks the father
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps the mom!
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, 'No.' Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, 'You finish?' Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian'
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.' 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country . . We don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives' 'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.
A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?" His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you." "Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?" "Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma." The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."