FUNNY HILARIOUS JOKES - Page 5
The leading couple of this joke consists of a husband and a wife. The wife has just taken a shower and comes out wrapped in a towel, still shy being newly wed. "Well, I've seen you naked. You don't need that towel," says the husband. "I just feel more comfortable this way," the wife responds. "But I want to take a picture of you in a natural state," continues the husband. The wife gets suspicious and asks what the husband would do with the photo. "I'll put in in my wallet and keep it close to my heart all the time," he responds, and gets his picture then heading for shower himself. He returns clean but also wrapped in a towel. "Why are you wearing that towel now - I want a photo of you in return," demands the wife. The Husband does as he's told, the photo's taken and they check the result in their digital camera. "What will you do with this photo of me, then?" asks the husband. The wife takes a good look at her husband, then the photo, then husband again. "I'll have it enlarged," she finally responds.
Retirement Options – Regional Differences
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where…..
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to California where….
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to New York City where…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
You can retire to Maine where….
1.. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the Deep South where….
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin’” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob , Jimmy Bob , Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to Colorado where…
1 . You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the Midwest where…..
1.. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at? ”
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”
AND You can retire to Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really, really rich." ***POOF*** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, "Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF*** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh...can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!"
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks. “I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
A surgeon went to check on his very blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.
She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
A guy was talking to a girl in the pub the other night and he said, "you remind me of my little toe!" She said, "is that because I'm small and cute?" He said, "NO! because I will probably end up banging you on the coffee table!"
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive odor of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got to let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate... The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."